Permanent
by Spurlunk
Summary: The one thing in Natasha's life that will always be there.


the way natasha sees it, people with pasts as fucked up as hers try to ignore them and put everything behind them as best they can, but she's not capable of something that final. her past is a part of her that she knows she's never going to be able to destroy, no matter how hard she tries. so she doesn't try.

no one's ever going to erase the russia from her. it's probably the strongest part of her identity, though she erased her accent years ago, and knows a dozen languages as well as she does her own mother tongue. russia will always be home. it doesn't matter that she can't remember her parents, or the fire that killed them. it doesn't matter that she spent most of her youth being raised by ivan petrovitch and later placed in the red room where her only other companions were fellow damaged, orphaned girls.

she's not going to be able to forget bucky barnes, though she knew him only as the winter soldier. he was the only one who took the time to actually get to know her by name, and she was intrigued by the rumors of his past as an american soldier. they had many private practise sections together, late nights in the gym after everyone had gone to sleep. the soviet union knew though, they knew everything. he left. he was taken off from the duty of teaching as part of the black widow ops program and sent to a faraway place. natasha moved on with her life - or the soviet union did it for her, putting her in various missions with alexi shostakov, who taught her how to fly a plane, among other things. they married, but he died soon after. she married him because it was expected of her, but she was sad when she learned he was gone. sad to a point. she was used to people leaving her by now, it was the pattern of her life.

natasha knows now she was brainwashed. every mission she was given a different identity and a different task, but she does not shed them when each mission is over, they are all a part of her. when she finally defects from the soviet union, it's because clint barton's annoying sarcastic wisecracks cut through her fog. it's hard to figure out what is real and what isn't. is she just trading one government for another? a new group of old white men to boss her around and tell her how to live her life? she has no choice, her particular skill set is suited for only one sort of lifestyle, and though for a long time she thought there was nothing more to her life than what she has been given, natasha learns to take what she wants instead of waiting for it to happen.

she joins shield. she does not have a real opinion of nick fury - he is better than some men, and worse than others. she learns that her husband is not dead; that he is in fact now the red guardian, but that doesn't mean he's back. he's different now, and so is she. for a time she works in san francisco with matt murdock, but the relationship doesn't last. she cares for him, but more as a friend and teammate than anything else. she hasn't really felt anything more than that for anyone since bucky, but there are so few constants in her life that she decides to keep matt around anyway. he's a useful asset. most of her ex-boyfriends are.

natasha doesn't really have very many friends. the ones she does have tend to be slightly unstable. but natasha has never operated under the delusion that she is normal in any way. she doesn't believe in running from her past, but sees the red room only in her dreams. bucky is the only bright spot from those dark times, and she does not waste her brain angsting over her childhood until yelena belova brings it right to the forefront. natasha pities yelena at first. she sees herself in the young girl trained to be another black widow, and tries to keep her from becoming the same person natasha once was. yelena pulls herself out of the mess with surprising grace, and natasha finds she respects the young woman. natasha's respect is hard to earn.

bucky comes back. they fit back together seamlessly as if they had never been apart. both of them are different, yet still the same. their lives have been running parallel the whole time without either one of them knowing it. bucky and natasha have been made and then unmade, and both are daily grappling with the knowledge that not all of their memories are real. they take comfort in each other, the touch of warm skin serving as a reminder that there are some things in their chaotic lives that are constant. bucky might leave like all the others, but the difference is that he will come back. he will always come back.


End file.
